Thinking of Philip

Encompass a breath
That whispers every nothing
You(r/'re) magnetic north

this one really only works out loud since "your" and "you're" are spelled differently

See the fool fathomed
A lack that she left that swells
Deep wells. Water's glass.

The SAP's gonna go through a little bit of a change this time around. First off, Phase 2 will last for one month rather than two weeks. Secondly, I'm going to intentionally set myself more goals than I think I can actually accomplish. Thirdly, there will be no reward/punishment system for this Phase. Ultimately, I think tying the SAP to a reward system in the long run will be detrimental since part of the point of the whole thing is to teach myself to meet goals when I set them for myself.

Phase 2 Timeline: November 9th to December 9th

So. Goals:

1. Writing goals- Work on revisions for "Skies of Blues" and "On the Fly". Prepare "Lady of Knives" for submission. Also, it's about time that I began building up my industry knowledge toward the eventual goal of writing professionally, so I will be trying to read more and more of the various publications that could serve as markets for my work. A familiarity with these markets will make it easier to submit stories to publications that they are right for. Towards this end, I may be getting myself a subscription to a couple of the bigger markets like "Realms of Fantasy" and "Aasimov's" (if nothing else, this will expand my reading positively since I don't read enough genre short fiction).

2. Reading goals- Read at least ten books of any length or medium (novels or short story collections). Any book related to poker is classified as furthering poker goals rather than reading goals even though I'm not setting myself any specific goals for poker as of yet. Right now, I'm just going to take it easy with poker. There isn't any rush. Plus, I've got Xbox to play in addition to poker, which makes Phase 2 that much more interesting since it becomes about reconciling video games with my eventual career.

3. Gaming goals- Not much here. I'm making it a goal to get back into chess at the Dallas Chess Club, and (assuming I can budget it) I'd like to look into starting chess lessons some time within the next month and a half.

4. Budgetary goals- Starting with the upcoming paycheck on Friday, end every pay period for the entire month with at least fifty dollars left in my bank account.

5. Personal goals- Cook at least one meal for myself every week during Phase 2. Doesn't matter what meal it is as long as it be cooked by moi. If it can be brought in within budget on either of the two Phase 2 paychecks, buy The Rosetta Stone Spanish software and begin learning a second language.

So that's Phase 2. Not too complicated. The time crunch is gonna come in with the reading goals, since my reading speed is abysmal and reading is going to be the hardest thing to reconcile with video games. If necessary, I may limit myself to playing on my days off since I'd like to get to a point where I do something productive with my work days before I go in. Tuesdays will also be difficult since it's hard for me to get stuff done when I'm doing those turn-arounds at work. So I might let myself Xbox the hell out of Tuesdays. We'll see.

Yes I've decided to postpone the beginning of Phase 2 for one week. This is simply because, after having finally bought myself an Xbox 360 like I've been wanting to for some time, I don't really feel like asking myself to do much other than play Mass Effect for awhile. It's been a long time since I've had a game to fall into, and I feel like I kind of deserve the week what with fulfilling Phase 1, not to mention all the positive steps I took before the beginning of the SAP to get my life back on track (i.e. moving in with Sarah, starting "Skies of Blues" in the first place, seizing control of my poker addiction etc.).

So with that, I'll be beginning Phase 2 a week from today, and it's gonna be a monster.

Also, my console came bundled with 2 games, and the second one I got was the Orange Box. So I have now played Portal. Sublime.

Twenty minutes ago marks one of the few times in my life that I've seriously set a goal for myself where this whole writer thing was concerned and then followed through on that goal. Phase One's first five goals are now accomplished. So now I am confronted with the question of where to go from here. Fortunately, Phase Two is already half-formulated in my head. I'm going to begin Phase Two on the first of November, and it will last throughout that month. Between now and the first, I'm not planning on setting myself any rigorous goals. Hell they won't even be mandatory. Ideally, I'd like to read two of my waiting books (specifically "The Gunslinger" and "Left Hand of Darkness") and do some more work on "On the Fly". We'll see how that goes, though I'm not viewing the next five days with nearly as much ambition as I do the month that follows them.

As for the final two goals of Phase One: Well the new draft of "On the Fly" is going fairly well I think. I didn't do as much work on it as I might have liked - only 1200 words or so - but what work I did do is very constructive. I set a precedent for the story's pacing that should hopefully help me bring it in under 10000 words and should also eliminate a lot of the chaff transition scenes I had a bad habit of putting into my stories back when I wrote the first draft. I'm also taking a new, and somewhat risky, direction with the main character that may or may not work. We'll have to see. Overall though, I've got high hopes for the draft.

As for "The Light Ages", well I didn't enjoy it was much I was hoping I would. It's an excellent novel - and I had a great time reading it - but ultimately I think I was looking for something else from it. So even though it's good, it still chalks up as a minor disappointment, which is unfortunate.

So that's Phase One. I'm looking forward to my two rewards, though I won't be able to manage them until I am payed on Friday. Which is fine because I can use the intervening time to get some more reading done.

So it's now been a year since I began working for Whole Foods, which officially puts me past the 10 month limit at which I normally become dissatisfied with a job I don't like and quit or get fired. Conclusions that I like my current job and may stay in it until something comes along to beat it are therefore easy to draw.

And I do like Whole Foods. My job involves (as Ciro once eloquently put it) moving a bunch of stuff around for ten hours at a time, but what the job lacks in mental stimulation it makes up for in ease, good pay, and hours that dovetail nicely with my personality. There's just something to be said for having Thursdays and weekends off even if I am tired for most of the week.

So I guess what I'm saying here is, happy anniversary, Whole Foods. I didn't get you anything. Unless you count my opportunistic devotion.

Goal 2 accomplished!

As far as this first phase of the SAP is concerned, Goal 2 was probably the biggest hurdle to jump within my deadline. "On the Fly" simply needs extensive revision, but "Lady of Knives" needed a complete rewrite. I brought the thing in in just over 9700 words (down from 15600 and change! woo!), so it should be down even more after I let an editor or two take a crack at it.

I'm really excited about it. I think the story got a lot stronger in a lot of ways. The pacing is much tighter as I edited out a few things that slowed it down. I removed one character who was hurting the story thematically, and refrained in this draft from writing the characters in made up dialects (for you, Romie, though also for me because what the hell was I thinking?). Tonally, the story is now pretty on message the whole time. The first draft's tone was at best inconsistent and at worst fucking schizophrenic ("Mmm. Ja, Chad. Probably because you started out to write a humorous short story und ended up vith a horror/dark fantasy story about children being gruesomely murdered by an horrible monster." - Dr. Von Shameface). I just think it's a lot tighter and better now. Hell I also changed around almost all the set pieces and added two new events that weren't in the story either on- or off-page before, which two events I think do help the story thematically. Only time will tell.

As far as future revisions go, I definitely think the story's a lot closer to the submittal stage, but it's not there yet. For one thing, I greatly enhanced the story's Steampunk elements, and I don't know if they came across cheesy or cool. I can't look at the story objectively after working on it for almost twelve hours.

Romie and Ciro, I know I asked you both to look at "Skies of Blues" already, and you're both incredibly busy with your own stuff. However, if either of you feels like taking a look at "Lady of Knives", either in addition to or instead of "Skies of Blues", let me know. When you have the time of course.

I could babble on, but I won't. Instead I leave you with the following:
I CHOPPED OFF ALMOST SIX THOUSAND WORDS AND THE STORY'S BETTER MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

Goal 5 accomplished. Partial on Goal 4. Technical partial on Goal 6, though ordering the book from Amazon, unpacking it, and reading the table of contents was hardly a difficult process to complete.

Goal 1 accomplished. Partial on Goal 5.

I'd say I'm happy with "Skies of Blues" so far. It needs a lot of work I think, but it's got potential. I do think the story suffered a bit when I didn't finish (or at least write most of) it during the initial rush of inspiration. It's a very emotionally charged story (or at least an attempt at one), and I sort of let the emotion I had while writing the first portions of the story cool before I finished it. That may have been a mistake, but it won't have killed the story. Ultimately, I'd say the SAP's first phase is going well so far.

Interesting to see someone get so caught up in dealing with old themes in a new way that that someone fails utterly to say anything new about those themes. Admittedly, I didn't know the film was an adaptation going in, though I suspected it more and more as I watched. I don't know if the book has anything more revelatory to say, and I don't really care all that much.

Ultimately dissatisfied with my evening, I find myself twenty-four minutes into the first phase of the SAP and, well, depressed I guess. Not that I was actually planning on working on any of the six goals tonight. I'm going to go to bed soon. Then I'm going to wake up.

The SAP (heh) is an old, old bit of bullshit I have with myself that some of you may remember. Basically, it's centered on the idea that I make a project of improving myself into the person I'd really rather be. The thing is, I think there's merit in the idea when it's approached with serious intent, and it's probably about time I did something to get myself out of the endless cycle of procrastination and depression.

Frankly, I spend too much time allowing myself to sink into obsessions that end up doing little to further my life goals. The current one, of course, being poker. Now, I'm good at poker, and I'm getting better. Plus, I actually really enjoy playing. I mean, it's fun. The thing about it is, since I'm not letting myself play for real money right now (and thank god for that), all I'm really getting out of it is practice and frustration.

Some people don't believe me when I talk about my ability to drop addictions cold turkey, but it's an ability I have nonetheless. So here's how I'm gonna make this go down. For the next two weeks, I am not going to play poker. I'm not even going to log in to my pokerstars account. On my next paycheck (a week from today) I am going to take four hundred dollars and set it aside. During the two weeks of no poker, I am going to do the following:
1: Finish the first draft of my short story "Skies of Blues"
2: Finish the second draft of my short story "Lady of Knives"
3: Work on, but not necessarily finish, the third draft of my short story "On the Fly"
4: Read "The Light Ages" by Ian R. Macleod
5: Read the rest of "The Wall of the Sky, The Wall of the Eye" by Johnathan Lethem
6: Buy and read "Ace on the River" by Barry Greenstein

For me, that's a lot to fit in to two weeks. If the first five goals are accomplished by the end of the second week (starting this Monday). I am going to reward myself with a) an Xbox 360 and the game "Mass Effect" and b) a fifty dollar deposit into my pokerstars account. If less than the first five goals are accomplished by the end of the two week period, I am never going to play poker again.

That'll show 'em.

I stood up on my soap box and proclaimed my vision to the world
voice ringing through sunbeams and caroming of girls
Then an avocado hit me in the chest
An avocado, say I!
This is Canada!
Do they even have avocadoes here?
Am I now the survivor of some doomed
(Yea! Doomed! I attest!)
assassination attempt by the Canadian Avocado Liberation Front?
Does CALF stand at me in platoons
From the recesses of mukluks and brunt,
Brandishing harpoons?
Or I suppose those would be Inuit Avocadoes.
Canadian Avocadoes could wear muluks I guess.
If they were self concious about it and said so in French.

Are two years a waste
That sit, trashed out and sullen,
In bags on the floor?

Empatterned broke boy
Over a month not begun
Rails lusting for more

Lauren, the Cute Girl Who Works in Demo: It's not inventory. What are you doing here this early?

Chad: Working a closing shift.

Lauren, the Cute Girl Who Works in Demo: I'll bet that messes with your sleep.

Chad: It's not so bad when it's a closing shift. Next Sunday, when I work seven to noon, that's gonna be bad.

Lauren, the Cute Girl Who Works in Demo: Jeez. Why are you working all these Sundays?

Chad: Well there's not usually that much for me to do Tuesday nights, and he figured out that even on sign nights he could schedule me for just four hours. So I'll probably be working a lot more Sundays from now on.

Lauren, the Cute Girl Who Works in Demo: Yay! Now I'll get to bask in the glory of your presence more often.

Chad: [laughing] Yes, that just warms the cockles of my heart.

Later ...

Chad: [approaching Lauren in the back room] So, hey, speaking of basking in the glory of each other's presences, do you want to go out sometime?

Lauren, the Cute Girl Who Works in Demo: Sure.

I've only ever achieved lucidity while dreaming twice in my entire life. It's a shame because I've always found lucid dreaming to be a pretty facinating concept, and it was pretty neat both times. Unfortunately, I am a total spaz as a lucid dreamer. The first time it happened I got so excited that I was actually lucid while dreaming that I woke myself up almost immediately (incorrigibly postmodern, I know). The second time (which was last night), I did what every enterprising lucid dreamer does and conjured myself up a sex partner. Then I got so excited (unfortunate pun argh!) that I was having sex while lucid dreaming, that I woke myself up almost immediately.

Baby steps, Chad. Baby steps.

I think people who sleep in metaphors should lampoon my crotch.

http://www.helloquizzy.com/results/the-attachment-style-test/?fromCGI=1&var_Anxiety=36&var_Avoidance=41

Not that the test was in much danger of being accurate anyway. Most of the questions didn't even apply to me.

Shed your excuses
Shed all your screaming bullshit
You're here. Now. Go there.

I like to consider myself a friend of science. Not that I understand the greater part of it, but the two of us get along. As such, I try, wherever possible, to apply the scientific method to my observations of the world around me, and in so doing, I have come up with a theory that I think will turn your whole world upside down.

Q: Why is everything bigger in Texas?
A: Scattered showers.

Let's take a journey back in time to 5200 BCE and the dawn of agriculture in Ancient Texas. As everyone who grows up in Texas can tell you, cows need a lot (and I mean a lot) of rain if they're going to grow nice and beefy the way we like 'em. So you're an Ancient Texan farmer, a true pioneer, and you decide to have done with all this "hunter-gather" nonsense and plant yourself your own field of cows. The rainy season, such as it is, comes, and you notice that the hill your cows are planted on isn't getting as much rain as the one two hundred feet over. At harvest time, you find yourself with some pretty scrawny cows. Not. Ideal.

Well, a fairly bleak and hungry winter ensues, and now it's planting time again. Being the shrewd, agriculturally advanced superman that you are, you plant your cows on that other hill this year. Nature, unfortunately, has other ideas, and you notice that this time around, the first hill is getting all the rain whilst the new one is sunny most of the time. Harvest time? Scrawny cows. Bet you regret trucking your steer-laden handcart that extra two hundred feet out from the barn this year!

Now I don't have any real data on the average level of patience for the Ancient Texan steak farmer, so this may actually have gone on for another year or two, but eventually someone hit on the best (and "coincedentally" the most Texan) solution: Plant a bigger field of cows. With a big enough cowfield, you would be assured that at least half of the planting would receive enough rain to achieve the desired beefiness. As making things bigger became the universal procedural doctrine in agriculture, Ancient Texans began to adopt it in other areas until it permeated everyday life. Steak farmers were all to eager to buy enormous hats to keep the latest rains off their sopping heads and enormous belt buckles to hold up their sopping wet pants. Thus was the course of Texan history irrevocably changed.

At first, the bigger planting may actually seem far too cost intensive a solution to the problem, but because of the small amount of truly beefy specimens retrieved at harvest time, steak could be sold at a premium. Meanwhile, operational costs were covered by another stroke of genius: As the beef from the scrawny cows was no longer needed to provide the local population with the cornerstone of their diet, it could be used to invent hamburger! The royalties paid by Ancient Germany alone would, over the next several thousand years, make us rich beyond our wildest dreams.